Good Grief Charlie Brown

Dear Followers,
It has been several weeks since my last blog. In some ways I feel like a new chapter has began. Life has been very strange. I think about Charlie Brown's famous saying and I think I understand it better. Grief is a good thing mostly but it is not a fun thing to have. I am still struggling with the decision to put my dad in hospice. I still see my dad's eyes looking into mine and it seems he is silently asking for my help. I feel that moving him to hospice denied him that chance. I understand how sick he was but watching him die still haunts me. I will be sound asleep and suddenly see his face with his dropped jaw struggling to breathe. Needless to say there is very little sleeping that happens after those images.
Weekends are the hardest for me. I woke up this morning with an incredible feeling of sadness. I was supposed to go to a meeting but I couldn't even bring myself to let anybody see me in my sad state. It is like a hole opens up inside of me and all of my energy and thought gets sucked in. When my spirits start to lift I find I am just exhausted and my brain just can't think. It is easier to work because I can fill my head with things to do and goals to accomplish. Being at home makes me focus on the other parts of my life of which my dad occupied so much.
The hardest part of grief is the lack of understanding by other people. When dad died everyone was so sympathetic. Everyone understood the pain and saddness my heart was going through but the further away you get from the funeral the more people get busy and move on. I now go a week without anyone mentioning my dad. It goes back to that hole. You become embarrassed to express your saddness fearing the lack of understanding.
I play a game with myself, it is called forget it happened. That works for quiet a while then reality sets in and the pain comes rushing back in my heart. The worst part is that I am a bit optimist. Being sad is just not what I do well. If I could answer the questions in my head about dad maybe there would be peace. Did I do the right thing taking him to the hospital that day before Thanksgiving? That is the day everything changed. I never thought it would hurt so bad.
What have I learned? First of all Kym and Amy have stressed to us to reflect on our process. I have learned to listen to people. When people are hurting the worst thing you can do is look too busy to listen to them. Grief has no timeline so caring for people after a loss is a much longer process than a few days. Hugs are a great sense of healing, don't flinch if the person you are hugging starts to cry. Let hurting people know you are there for them for as long as you need them. Lastly, writing helps me put my thought into words. Grief is paralyzing to me. Writing is liberating for me. If I can train myself to write more and cry less I may get through this. Thanks for listening. Please know how much I value all of you.

Sincerely,
Debbie